Take Yourself Off Mute Before Asking Mom to Pass the Gravy: And other Pandemic Holiday Tips

My first attempt at phyllo pumpkin pie! Not bad!

It's hard to believe we are beginning the holiday season, and with Diwali over the last many days, Thanksgiving within reach, and the December holidays in the blink of an eye, a lot of clients, friends, and my own family, have been talking about the conflicting feelings about family gatherings this year.  With the ongoing coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic at another peak, those plans are going to look different this year. 

Due to complicating factors like travel risks and susceptible family members, there will be plenty of rethinking plans and, possibly, canceling them altogether, adding more anguish to a period already filled with immense stress. 

Whether it’s determining the logistics within the planning of the gathering, what to do if you can’t see family, or even if you and your family disagree about the best course of action, there will be tough choices ahead. Equipping yourself with some strategies for handling this challenging time will be useful.

Coping ahead

Whatever your decision winds up being, it’s best to start planning for the holidays now. Besides the usual logistics issues, it’s also important to start planning now so you can start assessing what those options are. Instead of waiting for the holiday to arrive and just "winging it," coping ahead is a skill based on thinking through each step of how you anticipate an event might go, so that you are prepared for as many outcomes as possible. This might sound overwhelming, but it's definitely easier than being caught in a scenario where you have no idea what to do next.

I've been asked how one copes ahead for something that hasn't happened yet. If you go into a situation with a backup plan, you are that much better equipped to handle it if a particular outcome happens*. For the holidays during non-pandemic times, I often encourage having an exit strategy. I don't mean leaving altogether before dinner is over (though that might be necessary in some instances), but it might mean having a plan to excuse yourself from the passed hors d'oerves hour when someone starts talking about politics, or telling your host in advance that you can't stay for dessert if you anticipate wanting to be home early. Start planning and coping now, giving you a leg up in the face of all the uncertainty of these times.

*All of this is to say that these are therapeutic strategies, but should be taken into consideration with, and not instead of, the comprehensive guidelines by the CDC and your local governors.

Pros and cons

It's an overwhelming reality to have to consider the risks involved in traveling, even if just by car across state lines, and determining the vulnerabilities of those in your family and with whom you plan to visit. It’s all about risk assessment. You'll need to think about your comfort level with traveling and your family’s risk level and then think about the family members you’re traveling to see and their recent behaviors, precautions, and vulnerabilities. Everybody has different levels of comfort, so it's important to keep those lines of communication open.

Managing expectations

You have to weigh these concerns against other responsibilities, even if that risks hurting your family’s feelings. If you are a parent and have a child that has severe asthma, your role as a parent is to protect your child more than to protect your relatives’ feelings. If your grandfather has a weakened immune system and is going to be at your parents' house and you work in a higher risk setting, your mother might express discomfort with putting him at greater potential risk. It's important to remember that these conversations are intended to be for the health and well-being of everyone.

Your situation or someone else's in the family could also change suddenly, and it’s possible that even the best-made plans might go sideways at the last minute. Such is the way right now. This is also something to think through ahead of time and come up with a back-up plan.

Feel the feels

Once the decision has been made- whether to forge ahead, safely, or to forgo the holiday trip or skip the family gathering, you might notice some ebbs and flow of varying emotions, ranging from disappointment, sadness, anger at the situation, or relief. It's okay to admit that you’re sad and disappointed and that you’ll miss these events, or that despite that, you are also a little relieved. It's entirely possible to still turn the holidays into a positive experience with alternative plans, even if they’re not the plans you’d hoped for. 

Turning lemons into lemona- I mean, cranberries into cranberry sauce?

When you’re thinking about holiday rituals and adapting to new or different circumstances, ask yourself what is meaningful to you about the holiday think about how you can still recreate a version of that.

For instance, if food is a meaningful part of your holiday experience and you live in close proximity to your family, consider a socially-distanced food exchange. Even if you don’t feel comfortable going to a family member’s house for a long meal, maybe you can each make various dishes and drop them off so you're all enjoying your aunt's famous stuffing or your grandmother's signature dessert.

Sharing in religious devotions, trading recipes online, or sharing a meal together via Zoom or another video call option is also a way to keep the bonding going, leveraging digital technology with tradition. 

It can feel hard to change traditions that have been in place for a long time. It's important to recognize what you have enjoyed about those traditions while also acknowledging that families and gatherings are always changing, things aren’t always exactly the same year-to-year. Whether it’s the birth of new members or the passing of others, marriages, or other obligations like moves or being deployed in the military, things can look different every year. So maybe this year is just a different variation, or an opportunity to start new rituals and traditions. While circumstances may be a bit different with social distancing this year, there’s still that opportunity to do something new and different, and maybe they will become long-standing traditions down the road!