What We Receive When We Give
Today is “Giving Tuesday.” That means a few things. It means that your inbox is getting flooded with emails from various organizations, asking you to make a donation. For some, making a charitable donation is a great opportunity for a tax write off. For others, it is a fulfilling opportunity to support a cause that they really care about. It’s a big deal to make a donation, regardless of the size of the gift, because it’s not about the money.
When we give of ourselves- whether it be money, things, or time, we are telling someone that we care, and that, in turn, feels good. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), there’s a set of skills for distraction that I’ve reference before, and within that set is a skill favoring the act of “Contributing.” Contributing offers us the opportunity to do something for someone else, and is not just a kind gesture or a way of being helpful to others, but is a way to lift us up when we are having a hard time.
I bet you have done this before. But did you know you were being “skillful” when you brought those cookies to your friend, or carried the trash barrels up for your neighbor, or paid for someone’s coffee who was behind you in line? Did that make you feel good, even though it was for them? A sneaky skill, this contributing.
Fun fact about me that I’ve learned to embrace and no longer feel embarrassed by- I love doing arts and crafts. I was a kindergarten teacher’s aide for an internship in college, and while I have loved crafts from the time I was little, I sometimes joke that my inner kindergarten teacher has never left me. While my current occupation doesn’t really lend itself to many craft projects, I have been known to get overzealous about some idea I have for holidays and then come close to regretting it when I’m 14 hours into a project that I thought would take two. The reason I do crafts isn’t because I’m particularly good at them- they really DO look like they are meant for a kindergarten classroom much of the time- I’m not talking Etsy-worthy material, here. Because that’s not the point. There are some moments when doing something crafty is the perfect distraction from something that is upsetting me. It offers me an activity to get out of my head, gives me something to focus on, and if it is a gift, then the opportunity to give also makes me feel good.
Every Easter (pre-COVID), my family spent the holiday with family friends who we have known forever. One year, the carrot cake arrived with our guests, and the cake was topped with yellow marshmallow Peeps! (Genius, right?) This started a lengthy dinnertime discussion about who likes Peeps and who doesn’t, and over the years, we started using the term “peep” to affectionately referring to one another. The following year, the same Easter tradition was unfolding, and I got some zany idea to make a Peeps centerpiece for the Easter table. It was the year that Prince William and Kate got married, so (naturally) I made a royal wedding themed Peeps arrangement. Wouldn’t you? I took the detail seriously- modeled the “outfits” out of the colors and shapes of the actual wedding attire, and brought it home, set it up and we got a lot of good laughs over it. It wasn’t a gift, per se, but the activity of making it, and the fun it (literally) brought to the table, was my way of contributing to the holiday. There were other Peeps creations for the next few years, and then it became a “thing” that was hilarious and also ridiculous. I retired my peep-making a few years back, but the fun it brought was really special.
A few years ago, I made felt advent calendars for my niece and my friend’s children. I made one more calendar to keep, in the hopes that I would use it in my own home with someone small, someday. It has stayed in a box since I made it, until this year, and I took it out today so that my 16 month old daughter could play with it. She doesn’t have any idea what it is or how to use it, but it symbolizes a memorable journey to me, and will hopefully become a treasured tradition that she cherishes for years to come. So, contribute in whatever way suits you- write a check, hold the door, decorate, or celebrate. You’ll feel it come back to you in whatever way you need it to.
