Sorry, Not Sorry

Are you an over-apologizer? I am. Or, I like to think of myself as an over-apologizer in recovery. If you can relate to this, you’re probably a people-pleaser, too. It would fly out of my mouth with the best of intentions, and half the time I didn’t even know I was doing it! What I learned, is that it came at a cost.

Saying “sorry,” especially when you’re not at fault, is an unconscious habit. Chances are you’ve probably said it automatically a handful of times already today! The good news is that while automatic, habits are things we can change! I could probably come up with a list as long as an eight year old's Christmas list of things you don’t need to apologize for, so I’ll toss out a few common ones: 

• sneezing (I mean, c’mon! You can’t help it!)

• getting bumped into by someone else

• being interrupted

• asking a question or disagreeing with someone (where are my feminists?)

• not knowing the answer to a question

• responding to a text anytime that isn’t immediately upon receipt… (this one tops my pet peeve list)

and so on...

Don’t get me wrong. There are times when it is absolutely the proper thing to do to apologize. Did you accidentally bump someone and spill their hot coffee on them, interrupt someone, or say something hurtful? Apologize. 

I’m talking about all of the other times when apologizing can often send unwanted or unintentional messages about your intentions.

3 Reasons to Stop Over-Apologizing, Pronto!

1. You hand over a tiny kernel of self-respect with each unnecessary apology.

Over-apologizing isn’t much different from over-complimenting. You may think you’re presenting yourself as just a polite, caring person, (and while I'm sure that’s true), you area also shining unwanted attention onto a lack of confidence by apologizing, unnecessarily. And to take it one step further, the dynamic you are creating may eventually cause you to internalize that shift in self-esteem, as well. When you have to back pedal from our apologies, you are showing your cards as someone who doesn’t have the self-assurance that others might have. 

2. It can impact your relationships.

We’ve all been around someone who constantly apologizes. We understand they’re only trying to be nice, but it can often feel exhausting and irritating at the same time. It puts the other person in the position to have to “pardon” every thing they don’t need to be apologizing for. This dynamic can get tiring. 

3. You sound like you’re crying wolf.

If you say “I’m sorry” for every little thing now, your apologies will carry less weight later on — for situations that really warrant a sincere apology. It lessens the impact of future apologies. Use it sparingly and effectively!

So how do you start making this seemingly insignificant change in your language make you sound and feel significantly more confident? Are you thinking “I don’t even know I’m doing it?” I’ve been there. I still catch myself, sometimes.

To get my brand new lesson entitled “4 Steps to Stop Apologizing and Start Sounding Assertive”, click here to sign up for my newsletter and get sent to your inbox for FREE!  Plus, you’ll get a BONUS trick for how catch yourself from unnecessarily apologizing in those work emails- a BIG TIME no-no!