Conjunction Junction What's Your (Therapeutic) Function?

Any idea what my least favorite word is? No, it’s not “mayonnaise” or “ointment”” (but those aren’t great, either, IMO). 

BUT.

That’s it. That’s the first word. One tiny word.

What am I talking about? Why am I even talking about this? 

I’ll explain. 

You’ve probably heard people talk about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy or DBT. A lot of people get really confused by the name. In this case, we talk about dialectics (not dialects, as one might think). 

Dialectics help to create understanding in situations where conflict is typically present. By understanding dialectics you can see that, in any situation, there is more than one way to solve a problem, that two things that may seem completely opposite can both be true, and the one constant thing is change. 

If we make one small word replacement, we can alter the way we communicate and hear things. 

What’s the word we replace BUT with? 

AND! 

This sounds elementary? I know. I thought so, too. But the rationale really got me thinking, and once I started being more MINDFUL of my language, I noticed a lot of changes in my communication experiences, and the way I felt after having a hard conversation with someone else. 

The problem with BUT is that once you say it, everything before it gets eradicated and the other person barely hears the first part. For example:

“The party was fun but it rained all day.” The part “the party was fun” was just sort of tossed away and then the listener will likely remember “ but it rained all day.” That’s not what was intended, perhaps, but that’s how we hear it. So the party wasn’t fun? That’s the takeaway here. 

If you replace BUT with AND, it’s a whole new experience:

“The party was fun and it rained all day.” It now means that the party was fun and it rained, but the party was still fun. We no longer have statements that are at odds with each other and cannot coexist. Now, both things are true at once. (This is known in therapy terms as the dialectic. That’s a different post, altogether.)

What does this have to do with anything? I’m a therapist, not an English teacher! 

Focusing on the language in a conversation can help create a middle path of understanding, where we can see both sides of situations. This is especially helpful when we are trying to communicate feelings, and this small change will validate the other person as well as allow you to express your position. 

For instance:

“I know you want to talk about (insert issue here), and this isn’t the best time. So let’s make sure we make time tonight.”

Not particularly threatening, right? 

What about “I know you want to talk, but I can’t right now.” 

Mic drop. 

This doesn’t feel particularly validating or open and leaves the other person feeling dismissed. That’s likely not your intention. 

Sometimes these conversations can be with yourself while you may be faced with personal conflict.

”I can do this and it is going to be hard.” versus “I can do this but it is going to be hard.” 

The use of AND can create a feeling of more openness and possibility, and is generally less emotionally charged.

It’s so simple, and yet challenging to implement in our daily lives (see what I did there)! It takes practice. Give it a whirl. Drop your but/and statements in the comments below!